We were walking into the cafeteria after first period for morning break, and he kept fidgeting and talking about her nervous he was. Once we got settled standing by our friends, I noticed everyone kept smiling at me and looking back and forth between Brandon and me. (Apparently they all knew about…
“If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.”—
Today was great. I was feeling alot better than yesterday. I went to volunteer and FINALLY found anjali there. Thanks to her, I wasn’t terribly bored out of my mind. Then I had cotillion practice. As soon as I jumped into katrina’s car I felt like talking non-stop to all my great friends. THEN my evening plans got cancelled, so I went to a party with my friends from dance.
I was doing just fine. Then BOTH of you got mad at me. Just because you were angry, for whatever reason, everything was my fault. Two of the people I love the most in the world had upset me. Seriously, this is getting old. I’m tired of having no say, of being blamed. Now I’m going to bed in tears and I probably won’t sleep much - I hope you know that.
You’re so good to me. All you’ve ever done in your life is work hard to help me follow whatever dreams i had. You may have gotten mad at me, but i see why now. You haven’t gotten mad at me for so long. I don’t even know what to say. You tell me that whatever happens, happens. "Just be yourself, and be honest." I feel like such a disappointment. I’m so sorry. I can’t say that enough. I’m really sorry.
You can do amazing things today. Believe in that. Today, unlike yesterday is completely unique and special, but it’s up to you. Somewhere, someone believes in you, trusts that you’ll make the right decision, knows that you have the ability. Because you’re good enough, you are skinny enough, you’re…not too short, your hair looks fine, and hopefully today you’ll believe me when I say you are smart enough, don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do something.
Do you know how much time I wasted believing them when they said I couldn’t do something? Too much time. So today, take hold of it, take hold of what’s yours, because you’ve earned it, you deserve it, and it’s about fucking time.
pretending to be okay with everything - it’s what I do best.
I don’t want it to be like this. I’m so tired of saying “it’s okay” when its really not. I’m tired of “sweeping it under the rug”. I wanna scream, “IT’S NOT OKAY!”, but life is never that simple. Why does everything come back to my courage? Wait, scratch that, my non-existent courage. It’s not fair. I’m waiting for the day things come out into the open. And I know that will be a dark day, cause the truth is not always what you want to hear.
"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." - Alan Cohen
My friend, my companion, through good times and bad my friend, my buddy, through happy and sad, beside me you stand, beside me you walk, you’re there to listen, you’re there to talk, with happiness, with smiles, with pain and tears, I know you’ll be there, throughout the years!
I just want you to know that you’re one of my dearest friends. In good times and bad, I’ always be here for you. Seeing your tears makes me sad, and makes me wanna cry. Whenever you feel sad, think of one of my goofy moments, that’s sure to make you laugh! Love you forever girl, don’t forget that!